“I became a woman on a dating app”: a sexologist on how men talk to women online
Psychologist and sexologist Evgenii Leon Graf used AI to turn his photo into a female version of himself and chatted with a couple of hundred men on a dating site. His column, almost unedited, plus his answers to our questions.
How do men on dating apps talk to women — and what does it feel like to be on the receiving end? Psychologist, sexologist and writer Evgenii Leon Graf ran a dating app experiment on himself: he used AI to turn his photo into a female version of himself and chatted with a couple of hundred men. We publish his column almost exactly as he wrote it.
Women, I love you in a different way now, with a new understanding.
The dating app experiment: a female version of me
I asked AI to generate a female version of me from my photo. Posted it on a dating site. And out of pure research curiosity, I swam out into the heterosexual sea in a mermaid costume. A couple of hundred men passed through me, easily.
I turned myself into a harmless little blonde who tells every man how manly he is. Total cliché, but everyone was fine with it. Flattery went down well.
I didn’t waste time explaining that I’m not stupid and that I was raised on Handel and David Bowie, as the journalist Natasha Kiselyova* puts it. No, I shortened the distance, cutting out those agonising minutes of insisting that, by the way, I too have a genre of my own in my soul. I needed starting conditions where I am — here she is, easy and available — ping. Your move, gentlemen — pong.
“Sweetie” and “doll”: what men write on dating apps
From the very first message I was called “sweetie” and “doll”, and I didn’t argue. I opened with “Hi” and a red kissing-lips emoji. I had created a fairly stereotypical image of a woman ready to admire a man. And I chatted accordingly, light and breezy, haha.
Several men wrote that we women, supposedly, only have one thing on our minds. One of them tried to drag me into those tedious minutes where I had to prove to him that I’m not that kind of girl. That would have been boring, so I asked him to prove to me that he wasn’t like all the others. Meanwhile I archived the chat so it wouldn’t keep popping up. He lived in the archive for a while, grumbled a bit, and then deleted himself. Okay.
“Please help me move to Europe”
Another man called me vulgar because I’d sent a kiss in my very first message. But later he became interested in my financial situation, since I could afford to live and travel in Europe. Well, because I earn money. His next message was: “Please help me move to Europe.”
Video messages, full-length photos and “ladies first”
Many wrote that I was AI and asked for a video message and a full-length photo. But they themselves had no photo and no name. I asked them to show themselves. They write: “Ladies first.”
“They asked for a video message and a full-length photo. But they had no photo and no name themselves. They write: ‘Ladies first.’”
— Evgenii Leon Graf
Complaints about women’s looks go back a long way. Not long ago the problem was that a woman was photoshopped. Before that, too much make-up. And in Gogol**, two ladies discuss the governor’s daughter. One says she rouges herself shamelessly. The other replies that she’s chalk-white and pale as death. Whatever you do, girl, it’s wrong!
I write back that you men don’t care: you take a selfie in the car with a spot on your nose — and there you go, barely better-looking than a monkey — please, adore me! But a girl wants to be pretty. Yes, I had a breakout and I removed it. What, does it look bad, don’t you like it?
Men who “know what a woman wants”
It’s amazing how many men are sure they know what a woman wants! Only two or three men asked me how I liked to be treated. And those who quickly switched to an intimate tone were convinced that describing how roughly they take a woman, winding her hair around their fist, would definitely thrill and conquer her.
For some reason many men think their own arousal is reason enough for a woman to get aroused right back. Like a microwave: snap your fingers and she’s hot and ready.
“Only two or three men asked me how I liked to be treated.”
— Evgenii Leon Graf
There were respectful men too
If I were a girl, the documentary series about me would be called “That… Girl with Prejudices”. So, I admit, I went into this experiment with prejudices about how straight men treat women. But I was pleasantly surprised that there was quite a lot of respectful treatment of the default blonde with a little kiss.
There were men who wanted to know who I was, what I was into and what I loved. Some were looking for a serious relationship. And of course, since I set the tone of these conversations myself, you can’t draw conclusions about men in general from everything that happened.
What my female friends told me
Then I told my friends, men and women, about the experiment. They listened, laughed, and at every other story the women said: “Yes, yes! Exactly!” And told me about their own experiences.
One shared that she had faked orgasms in a relationship. Yes, they talked, and he promised to try to take her wishes into account. But time passed and everything went back to the way it was. He got carried away, came before her, and that was the end of sex.
Why did his orgasm automatically become the finale of the whole sexual encounter? No idea. Why does one person’s pleasure become the main event, and the other’s optional?
I also heard about men who ignored safe words and requests to stop during rough sex. By the way, some men explain this with an incredibly stupefying arousal in which they can no longer control themselves.
But as a man and a sexologist, I say: that is no excuse. There is nothing about male sexual arousal that makes a man brainless, turning his gaze goat-like and his mind to mush.
“As a man and a sexologist, I say: that is no excuse.”
— Evgenii Leon Graf
What I concluded after the experiment
Phew! In that female persona I felt very vulnerable. Horror wrapped its arms around me: it’s as if a woman is always the one being taken. In most cases she is an object in a penis-centred world. All that seems left to her is to choose which of those who want to own her will take her kindly, so to speak. Take her gently, with respect, but take her all the same.
Yes, on the site I chose this persona myself and set the tone myself. But what if I don’t want to be a “doll” and a “baby” from the first messages? What if I want to be asked about my wishes first? What if I don’t want to be a thing that is possessed?
“Women, I love you in a different way now, with a new understanding.”
— Evgenii Leon Graf
After all, I could step out of the sea at any moment, take off the mermaid costume, slam the laptop shut and go back to my life. Which is exactly what I did.
The women, though, told me about situations they can’t just leave by closing a chat. About painful sex endured for years. About their own wishes, which they have to explain again and again, and which are forgotten again and again.
And to my female friends I said: “I feel for you! I love you in a different way now… with a new understanding.”
With respect,
your sexologist and writer
P.S. Parents, let’s save the situation. Sex education isn’t just about condoms, anatomy and infections. It’s also about consent, the other person’s pleasure, and the ability to remember what they like and what they don’t.
Evgenii answers our questions
Why do men on dating apps keep asking for video messages and full-length photos?
I understand where it comes from: men are afraid of scammers, and of people who pose as women to get someone’s nude photos. But when this is demanded from an account with no photo and no name, I find it sexist.
Did anyone ask you for money?
No, nobody asked me for money. Quite the opposite: some offered to pay for my flight, someone proposed marriage. And one man asked me to help him move to Europe.
How did you feel after the experiment?
Pain, sympathy and love for women. And that same horror at the penis-centred world. I have always respected people, and now I treat women with even more respect. Many women I know wrote to thank me for this text.
What would you advise people dating online?
All the answers are within the person. The question is how well they know themselves and how ready they are to be honest with themselves.
Editor’s note: pretending to be someone else breaks the rules of dating services; the author describes this experiment as personal experience, not as an example to follow. For how to spot a fake profile, see our romance scam statistics; for what surveys say about how men and women behave on apps, see Men vs women on dating apps.
* “Even I, raised on Handel and David Bowie, fall for this” is a catchphrase that went viral. Natasha Kiselyova, a journalist and the author of the Telegram channel Natasha Daily Against War, regularly uses it as an ironic opener (a punchline) to her posts. She has written for The New York Times, The Guardian, Die Zeit and La Repubblica. Russia’s Justice Ministry has designated her a “foreign agent”.
** A scene from Nikolai Gogol’s novel Dead Souls (volume one, chapter nine). One lady says of the governor’s daughter that she is “a statue, and pale as death”. The other objects that she “rouges herself shamelessly”.
About the author: Evgenii Leon Graf is a psychologist, sexologist and writer based in Germany. He is certified as a psychological counsellor in Germany and counsels clients online only.
This column reflects the author’s personal experience and opinions, not those of the editorial team. A psychologist’s advice is an expert opinion, not medical advice. Translated from Russian with minimal editing; the Q&A is based on the author’s correspondence with the editors. The female portrait was generated by AI from the author’s photo.
