A Russian “German” on dating in Germany: 900 matches, and still no one to love

Thomas Miller is a “German” with a St Petersburg past. He has lived in Hamburg for 30 years, has been married more than once and has a daughter. Over years of online dating, apps have given him around 900 matches and roughly 50 dates. In this guest column on dating in Germany, he explains why he looks for a Russian-speaking partner, how the question “bot or human?” spoils a conversation, and why the number of matches settles nothing.

My name is Thomas Miller. That is what my German passport says, although I was born Evgeny, in St Petersburg. I am a little over 40. I have lived in Germany, in Hamburg, for thirty years and became a German citizen a long time ago. I have been married more than once and I have a daughter. I have used dating apps, gone on dates and started relationships. But right now there is no woman in my life I could call the one I love.

900 matches, 50 dates

When someone asked me how many people I had met online, I said: “900 matches.” It sounds like a lot. The follow-up question was harder: how many of them turned into an actual meeting?

I had to think about it. Roughly fifty dates. These are rough numbers from different periods of my life, not a precise count. Between them I had relationships and family life, so I have not spent all these years searching non-stop.

Still, the gap says something. Matches, when two people like each other, run into the hundreds. The people I actually met are far fewer. And when I ask myself who I wanted to stay with, the counting gets very hard.

“Matches run into the hundreds. Dates, about fifty. Who I wanted to stay with is the hardest number of all.”

— Thomas Miller

A match looks like success: two people like each other and can start talking. But outside the app I keep asking a different question: with so many options, why am I still looking?

Dating in Germany: I want a woman I can speak Russian with

I have lived in Germany for a long time, but in my private life I choose Russian-speaking women. In all my decades here, only one of my romantic relationships was with a German woman.

That does not mean you cannot build a relationship with a German woman. It only says something about my choice: I am looking for closeness within a fairly specific circle.

And this is where the maths gets uncomfortable. Tinder, Instagram and Facebook are full of people, but very few of them are a fit for me. First, language matters. Then mutual attraction. Then you find out whether she is single, what she wants, and whether meeting is even possible.

Each condition sounds reasonable. Together, they leave far fewer options than dating apps in Germany promise.

Speaking the same language guarantees nothing either. We can understand each other’s words perfectly and still imagine a relationship in completely different ways. One person wants a family, the other is happy to meet up now and then. Until you talk about it, both of you may think things are going well.

That is why the question “Why haven’t you found anyone yet?” annoys me with its simplicity. Finding someone who will reply to a message is easy enough. Agreeing on a life together is much harder.

“Finding someone who will reply to a message is easy enough. Agreeing on a life together is much harder.”

— Thomas Miller

Between the first date and the second

I have used Tinder, tried meeting people through Instagram and, back in Russia, used LovePlanet, a Russian dating site. I have no story about one app that changed everything.

What I do have is experience of dates. Sometimes I like a woman straight away. But a first impression does not tell you what comes next.

When someone asked me what I want in a partner, one short answer stood out among all the requirements: “someone interesting”. I think that is worth pausing on.

You judge profile photos in seconds: you like them or you don’t. But you cannot get to know someone’s character online; for that you have to meet. Only in person do you find out whether you want to listen to this person and tell them about yourself, to really open up.

Even a clever person can turn out to be a complete stranger to you. An attractive one may leave you with no wish to meet again. And nobody has to be bad or wrong for that to happen.

My experience gives me no reason to say that after a certain number of dates you are bound to get lucky. Fifty dates do not turn into a relationship automatically. Dating has no loyalty scheme.

“Dating has no loyalty scheme: fifty dates do not turn into a relationship automatically.”

— Thomas Miller

Bots and scammers on dating apps: who is really behind the profile?

There is one more thing that spoils the whole process: doubting who you are talking to.

A couple of times I felt I was chatting not with a real woman but with a bot or an AI. Once I had the impression that a completely different person was writing on her behalf, apparently hoping to get money out of me. I had no proof. But the suspicion itself got in the way: instead of being curious about the woman, I was trying to work out who was actually replying.

That is where my idea of a dating app with identity verification comes from. I want to know there is a real person behind the profile, and that I am spending time on a connection that at least has a chance of continuing offline.

Of course, a verified identity does not settle the question of feelings. A real person can hide their intentions too, or simply not be right for you. But trust has to start somewhere. It is hard to get into a conversation when you keep checking whether the other person exists.

“It is hard to get into a conversation when you keep checking whether the other person exists.”

— Thomas Miller

Editor’s note: some dating apps, including Tinder and Bumble, already offer selfie-based profile verification; see our Tinder review and Bumble review for how it works. We look at the warning signs in our romance scam statistics, at AI-written messages in Chatfishing in numbers, and at meeting safely in our first date safety guide.

Irritation is a poor adviser

Over the years there have been bots, scammers and “foodie calls”, people who go on dates for a free dinner. There were also simply unpleasant dates: women who tried to solve their everyday or emotional problems at my expense, or to get back at an ex. After all that, it is easy to start blaming the apps, women and the country you live in. There is no shortage of irritation. But it does little to help you work out what to do next.

I find it more useful to look at one specific connection:

• Is the interest mutual?
• Can we actually agree on a date?
• Are our expectations similar?
• Do I want to continue after the first date?

These questions bring you back to reality fast. Attraction can be mutual while plans are incompatible. Both people can enjoy chatting, but a date that keeps getting postponed stays a promise.

900 matches have not solved the main thing

I have been married and I have a daughter, so my story is not just a list of Tinder failures. I have had relationships. Now I want to meet a woman I can build one with again, and whom I will love.

So far, 900 matches have not solved that. But if I meet someone I want to stay with, I doubt I will care how many matches came before her.

P.S. If you see yourself in this story, you can message me on Instagram. I will reply.

Read next: Dating app fatigue: the burnout data, the falling subscriber numbers and the rise of the run club · Online dating statistics 2026

This column reflects the author’s personal experience and opinions, not those of the editorial team. It has been edited for clarity.

Cover photo: Thomas Miller’s personal archive